You do not have to forgive your abuser.
I'll say it again. You do not have to forgive your abuser.
Very often the topic of “forgiveness” comes up in the course of treating patients with a co-occurrence of trauma and addiction in my therapy practice. This topic often arises out of 12 step work which calls on persons in recovery to “let go” of the past. This part of step work can be incredibly confusing for someone who has endured trauma in the form of childhood abuse, for it quickly turns into contemplation around “Should I forgive my abuser?” which inevitably leads into questions around what forgiveness in cases of abuse even means. Well-intentioned persons in recovery will declare it is “sobriety threatening” to hold onto resentments. “Forgiveness is for YOOOUUU, not THEEEEEM” they will say. The act of forgiveness in such circles is conceptualized as a “letting go” process that frees you from the chains of the past and leads to serenity in the present.
I am here to say I see healing happening in my patients more so through the embracing of their trauma than in their letting it go. In my observation, healing from trauma begins the moment the trauma is called out for being what it was, which, in many cases, is some form of abuse. Moreover, healing commences when we shine a light on the trauma, acknowledge the abuse happened, that it was, in fact, abusive, and then take in the full extent of its impact on our life. Healing, as it relates to trauma, in my view, is the opposite of “letting go”; it is, rather, the full embracement of its occurrence which then allows a sort of grieving process to ensue.
But how does this fit into 12 step work and addiction recovery? Over the years I’ve come to identify various components of healing that are relevant to both trauma and addiction recovery. Two such components pertain to the initial stages of the healing process and seem to promote health and self-preservation for people with co-occurring disorders. I think of these early components as being second cousins to the “turning it over” and “letting go” processes inherent in 12 step work, and they are as follows:
1. Acceptance. Acceptance that an event occurred (which is different from saying it is OK that it happened).
2. Relinquishment. Relinquishment of the hope that life could have been different.
Let us first unpack “acceptance”. The acceptance piece highlights the notion reality is undeniable. Having acceptance for an event is not the same as excusing it. Acceptance is about saying “X, Y, Z, happened; It is a fact I cannot change. I accept it happened as an event in my life.” This is different from condoning the abuse. It is simply about acknowledging an event occurred. Acceptance says “yes, this happened and yes it affected me.” Period. While this may seem simple enough, being subjected to the confusion that is years of gaslighting and invalidation (as is often the case in abusive situations) means this part of the healing process can be quite challenging and takes time.
A second part of the healing process that is important early on in one’s recovery has to do with relinquishing the hope that things could have been different. It is about embracing the “what is” as opposed to clinging to what will never be. This is not easy to do. It means taking life on life’s terms. It means dealing with people as they are instead of wishing for them to be different. It means grieving the loss of a life you never had. It means conceptualizing an experience based on the facts of what occurred, while recognizing it could not have turned out differently given the people involved, the cards that were dealt, the circumstances under which you found yourself. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused the abusive experience, and nothing you did or didn't do could have stopped it.
Acceptance and Relinquishment. These are two components I believe to be imperative early on in the healing process for a person with co-occurring trauma and addiction. Now, this is not to say “letting go” in certain areas of life is not valuable or does not have its place in recovery. My position is not that letting go is unhelpful in a blanket sense, it’s just not so in the case of healing from abuse. My observations have lead me to conclude it is far more helpful to strive for acceptance of past events than it is to let go of them. Acceptance leads one towards healthy grieving; letting go blocks them from doing so.
A final word on the topic of forgiveness when you’ve been the victim of abuse and are also battling an addiction, and it is related to second chances. The idea of second chances tends to come up around the same time as forgiveness and letting go. When you accept an experience happened, and you relinquish the hope that things could have been different, you are then left with the question of “What now?” The beauty of healing is you now have choices. Whereas you were once an innocent victim devoid of power, you are now a survivor, a victor, who is wide-eyed, aware, and infused with the capacity for clarity of choice. You now have options, and can execute decisions on how you live the rest of your life.
This means YOU get to decide who you give access to your life and who gets the privilege of experiencing you. If you want to partake in forgiveness in the traditional sense, have at it, but you don't have to. You can heal and achieve serenity while still holding your abuser accountable. You can find peace in spite of refusing to give your abuser a second chance through continued access to your physical, emotional, and spiritual space. It is OK to revoke your abuser from the privilege of being in your life. Truthfully, they lost that privilege long ago when they abused you. Do not be swayed into the false narrative that healing and serenity in your recovery from addiction means letting go of past trauma and forgiving your abuser. It does not mean these things. It means calling it out for what it was, and moving forward with clarity and wisdom through acceptance of what was, and relinquishing the hope that things could have been different.
You do not have to forgive your abuser, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.
Out.
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