The following blog entry may possibly, and, more than likely, absolutely will ruffle the feathers of some parents.
I am less concerned with ruffling parental feathers than I am with helping kids. So, if this entry reaches even one parent out there and subsequently helps a child, I can rest easy.
With that said, ahem, let the ruffling begin.
When I was doing trauma therapy for a community mental health agency as a young therapist, I was often tasked with taking on referrals from the judicial system that came about as a result of custody battles.
Nasty custody battles.
These cases came across my desk in a variety of ways, but normally it was at the request of one parent claiming abuse or neglect of the child by the other parent.
It was also normally the case that the two parents were in the midst of a volatile divorce.
A child had been catapulted into the middle of the two bickering parents and labeled as “trauma victim”.
I say “bickering” because more often than not it was clear the allegations were not, nor were they ever going to be substantiated by child services.
These parents were using the court system to get back at the other parent for whatever way they believed themselves to have been slighted and/or scorned, and they were doing so to the detriment of the child.
No doubt their child was a trauma victim, but not of the variety being alleged.
It was, rather, a trauma of their parents’ own making; the trauma that comes from feuding parents who refuse to keep their opinions about the other parent to themselves, placing their child in the middle of the rage to manage it all.
Parents, when it comes to your child’s well-being, it’s really quite simple: When you put the other parent down in front your child, you shame your child.
Again? When you put the other parent down in front of your child, you shame your child.
Refraining from doing so is no small feat, mind you, and of this I am fully aware. Controlling your anger, refraining from throwing the insult, or the name-calling, or making the cutting remarks, or stopping yourself from muttering that comment underneath your breath that you say just loudly enough for someone to hear, in response to something exceedingly hurtful or, at times, stupid, the other parent has done…..is all very hard to do.
In fact, if you are a single parent attempting to co-parent with another, learning to control your opinions about your child’s father or mother is probably one of the most challenging things you’ve ever had to do.
It's not easy, but it is possible, as well as absolutely necessary for your child’s well-being to refrain from putting down your child’s mother or father in front of your child.
Before you start rattling off all the reasons you feel justified in speaking poorly about the other parent to whomever, and whenever you choose, allow me to save you the time and energy because--it doesn’t matter.
It doens’t matter what awful thing your child’s other parent has done (and believe me, I’ve heard them all).
Had an affair? Doesn’t matter.
Walked out on your family? Doesn’t matter.
Doesn’t pay child support? Doesn’t matter.
Put another way, do you think your child’s other parent is any of the following:
A narcissist?
Pathological liar?
Selfish?
Irresponsible?
A man-child/woman-child?
A (fill in the blank with whatever opinion you hold here)?
Your child's other parent may very well be all these things, and that is all very unfortunate, but it also doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter because when it comes to your child, it’s not about you and your opinion of the other parent. The other parent is still part of who your child is, and nothing you do, or say, is going to change that. When you shame the other parent in front of your child, you shame your child.
None of the aforementioned items, mind you, are OK, but the fact that they are not ok ALSO (guess what?) doesn’t matter. None of them justifies your speaking negatively about your child’s other parent in front of your child, because, when you speak poorly about the other parent in front of the child, you shame the child.
Now, I’m not suggesting you LIE to your child.
Please note, there is a difference between refraining from speaking poorly about the other parent in front of your child, and lying to your child about who that other parent is.
Your child doesn't need you to make up stories and lie about who their mom or dad is as a person. Your child just needs you to refrain from putting the other parent down in front of him/her.
A child carries a bit of both their mother and father around in them everywhere they go. When you shame their mother or father in front of them, you shame them, too.
The relationship you have with your child’s other parent is your relationship.
The relationship they have with their other parent is their relationship.
Some day, when that child gets older, and gains life experience along with full brain development, they will look back on their childhood and come to their own conclusions about the kind of father or mother they had.
For now, they don’t need to hear these things from you. For now, what is most important is they know they are loved.
So, do whatever you must do to keep from putting down your child's other parent in front of your child. Whether it’s screaming into a pillow for 2 hours after the kids are in bed, or running 5 miles, or writing furiously in your journal, venting repeatedly to friends, getting a therapist, taking up meditation, healing past wounds, considering psychiatric medication if a mental disorder is involved....whatever you have to do to get control of your anger so that you are not putting the other parent down around your child, DO IT!
DO IT NOW!
Because when you speak poorly about the other parent in front of your child, you shame your child, and I’m guessing that is the furthest thing from your intent.
Email me at Carrie@carriemosko.com if you'd like to learn more about how I help single parents heal past wounds and cope with emotions, like anger, in healthy ways.
Out.
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