This blog was originally posted in February 2022.
Update 4/5/2022: Gavin de Becker now offers a free Gift of Fear Master Class available on YouTube. It's a 7 part series designed to educate young people about detecting danger, survival signals, and how to utilize the power of intuition to exercise personal safety. You can access the series by starting here :
During my undergraduate college years, a friend recommended a book to me called “The Gift of Fear,” by Gavin de Becker. I read it front to back in two days, and it remains one of, if not my favorite book to date. I think all young people should read this book, and young women especially.
Gavin de Becker was a security specialist for the government prior to his writing of the book. I do not know what he is doing now, though he’s probably retired is my best guess. Part of his work at the time involved helping to create what was called MOSAIC Threat Assessment Systems, which was used to assess threats made to government officials such as members of the Supreme Court, congress persons, and members of the CIA. The MOSAIC Threat Assessment Systems eventually was used by law enforcement to help with identifying domestic violence situations that were thought to have the potential of turning homicidal.
The book discusses many aspects of predicting violent behavior and identifying patterns that would seem to indicate danger. Among the behaviors de Becker identifies as being pre-indicators of danger is the use of charm, providing too many details, and the unsolicited promise. There were many more but these were 3 of the 4 I remember most vividly. Briefly, he discusses the use of charm as a behavior more than a character trait (i.e. to be charming), as it can be used to manipulate and make a victim think the charmer is nice, and, therefore, safe, resulting in the victim letting their guard down when they otherwise might not (think Ted Bundy). He talks of the unsolicited promise and states when someone says “I promise,” they are trying to convince you to believe them because they can sense you, in fact, do not (and with good reason). He speaks of how the words "I promise" serve as a reflection of your own doubt in that person's trustworthiness, almost like a mirror being held up for you to see. Finally, he talks of when someone provides too many details you did not ask about, and how it tends to be a good indication they are lying because they are trying to sound like they are more credible than they are in actuality.
The use of charm. The unsolicited promise. Too many details.
Pre-indicators of danger.
The 4th pre-indicator I remember quite well is the discounting of the word “no.” Any response other than "ok" to the word "no" shows a lack of respect for boundaries and is a sign of a refusal to accept rejection. Anything said after a "no" other than "ok" is an attempt to manipulate and/or coerce you into bending, blurring, or retracting the clear boundary you have already set. A person who cannot accept the word “no” in everyday situations (i.e. "Can I help you with your groceries?" "No." "Oh come on, let me help you with your groceries!"), most certainly will be unable to accept it during more intense ones. Always remember: The word “no” is a complete sentence. Full stop. No exceptions.
I learned much about predicting behavior from reading this book, and others like it, but the part that made the most impact, and perhaps its most central message in my opinion, is the idea that “fear” is a primal gift fueled by one’s own intuition. Fear is simply your intuition warning you of danger, and it's there to protect you. It's there to keep you safe. It's there to notify you that danger is nearby. If you're feeling fear, that means there is still time to escape the danger for the violence or abusive event has not yet occurred. This gift comes in the form of a gut feeling you experience when you encounter someone who seems a bit “off.” This gift comes in the form of a tightness you get in your stomach when you enter a room and notice a weird energy floating around. This gift occurs when a situation you’re in feels “wrong” even though you can’t quite put your finger on why. It's a gift we all have, but are often times conditioned to silence its voice; to dismiss its cries. We don’t want to appear rude. We don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. We tell ourselves “it’s nothing” or “it’ll be fine” for that is often easier than going against the grain. We want to believe in the goodness of others because we, ourselves, are good, and so we ignore and shoo it away when it tells us someone is not.
"The Gift of Fear" taught me as a young adult that everything needed to survive this world is right inside each of us, if only we listened to it. Therapy can help you recognize your prior conditioning that tells you to quiet that inner voice. Therapy can help you connect to your inner self more fully. And therapy can help you learn to trust the gift that is your intuition. "The Gift of Fear" is one of many reasons I became a therapist, and why I believe so strongly in the value of therapeutic work.
Out.
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