I made a lot of mistakes in my early days of being a therapist. Being fresh out of grad school, having just passed my licensure exam, and having all the “by the book” knowledge at the forefront of my brain, I had the answers and I was going to share them with the world!
Suffice it to say I no longer try to tell parents how to parent their children. I cringe every time I think about having attempted it in the first place. Instead, I speak to them about the power they have right inside of themselves, which is the power of modeling the behavior they want to see in their kids. I think this, moreso than anything else I’ve learned about parenting over the years, is the most powerful parenting tool I’ve both witnessed and put into practice myself.
Modeling in yourself that which you wish to see in your children is the most powerful thing you can do to help your children as they grow up.
It’s a tall order. It means doing all those things you tell them to do, and it means not doing all those things you tell them not to do, with consistency, so as for habit to form. It means abiding by the values by which you expect them to abide, like honesty, and patience, and kindness, even when it's hard to do so. Modeling means being the kind of human being you want them to someday be.
It means talking the talk and walking the walk.
The truth is you can tell your kids anything you'd like, but if they see you doing the opposite, you lose credibility.
You can tell them to "stay away from drugs and alcohol," but if they see you smoking up, you lose credibility.
You can tell them to "tell me the truth," but if they observe you engaged in deceit, you lose credibility.
You can tell them, "You can talk to me about anything," but then get angry and punitive when they tell you things you don't want to hear, you lose credibility.
Modeling in yourself that which you wish to see in your children not only helps to bring about the desired behavior you wish for them, but it builds their trust in you. And guess when trust becomes huge? Teenagedom! Otherwise known as that time when suddenly the stakes start getting much higher in terms of safety and risky behaviors. If there is one thing I would impress upon parents when it comes to raising children, it would be to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Modeling is your most powerful parenting tool.
There’s a poem I first heard at my oldest child’s Kindergarten Night the district held for all parents of children entering kindergarten. I've heard the same poem read at each Kindergarten Night I've attended for each of my children thereafter. I printed it out that first time, framed it, and placed it in my kitchen in a spot where I knew I’d see it every day, so as to remind me of the power of modeling. It’s called “Little Eyes Upon You”, and while I do not know the author, I am forever grateful this poem entered my heart and is out there for other parents to also experience.
Little Eyes Upon You
There are little eyes upon you and they’re watching night and day.
There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say.
There are little hands all eager to do anything you do.
And a little child who’s dreaming of the day they’ll be just like you.
You’re the little fellow’s idol, you’re the wisest of the wise.
In their little mind about you no suspicions ever rise.
They believe in you devoutly, holds all that you say and do.
They will say and do it your way when they grow up just like you.
There’s a wide-eyed little person who believes you’re always right.
And their eyes are always opened
And they’re watching you day and night.
You are setting the example,
Every day in all you do.
For the little person who is waiting to grow up to be like you.
Out.
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