If you’ve ever wondered how EMDR therapy helps a person in the day to day sense, here’s an example.
I walked outside this morning to take my dog for a walk.
As I was walking down my driveway, a lady (whom I didn’t know) was power walking by.
I stood there at the end of my driveway waiting for her to pass before embarking on our walk. Seeing us standing there, she greeted us with, “Good Morning!” in the friendliest, most pleasant sounding, almost musical voice.
No kidding. It was simply glorious. Like something you'd hear on a kid's Disney Plus show.
No less than two seconds later, after passing us and walking by the tree that is on my tree lawn, she hollered back to me loudly, “YOUUU need to TRIMMM this TREEEE!” and followed it up by dramatically pushing the branches away with such frenzy and flare that it almost seemed to occur in slow motion.
Now, there was a time in my life when an interaction like that would have sent my head spinning down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and dysregulated emotions.
It would have triggered in me all those past instances whereby I was criticized, yelled at, belittled, caught off guard, or otherwise treated rudely and felt shamed.
It would have set into motion feelings of inferiority and thoughts of “not good enough-ness” that would have then stirred together in tornado fashion, culminating in some form of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reaction.
The fight, flight, freeze, or fawn might have come out in a variety of ways.
For instance, I might have reacted by lashing out at the power walker for the rude comment, rattling off all the reasons why the tree had not been trimmed and how dare she come at me with her negativity.
Or, I might have just stood there in shock, feeling baffled as I tried to figure out how someone could go from the nice greeting to the rude comment in a matter of seconds. Then I'd spend the rest of the day stewing about the comment, feeling badly about myself for not having stood up for myself, as well as for not having tended to the tree in the first place.
Maybe I would have apologized to her for the tree, then later texted a friend in an uproar, declaring “You would not believe what this rude lady said to me today," further feeding the negative energy, allowing it to live on and on.
Or maybe I might have immediately gotten out the clippers to prune the damn thing right then, despite having a packed day ahead.
All of this might have occurred in reaction to a 6 word sentence uttered by a stranger.
About a tree.
None of those reactionary fight, flight, freeze, or fawn behaviors happened, however.
What happened instead was I responded.
I responded by first observing the negative thoughts that came up when I heard the power walker’s words and saw her gestures.
I then reframed those thoughts (in the moment) into more helpful and accurate ones that led to feelings of peace, acceptance, and even a little amusement at her dramatics.
Those reframed thoughts went something like this:
Maybe this is the first walk the lady's been on in a long time, and she saw those branches as some kind of barrier to her happiness - hence the dramatic gestures.
Or maybe she has a sick loved one she is caring for, and the branches were an opportunity for her to vent on her walk.
Maybe she had earplugs in with music playing loudly and she didn’t realize how loudly she was speaking, or that it came out as yelling.
Maybe she’s an actress and was practicing a character?
Orrrrrr maybe she’s just an a-hole and her intention was to be just that! (You'll have those from time to time).
Then I thought to myself, Is it the worst thing in the world if my tree isn’t trimmed? No, it is not. So what?
Do I have reasons that it has not been trimmed? Yes I do.
Could she have side stepped the branches if they bothered her that much? Or walked under them easily? Instead of throwing herself through them like that? Yes she could have.
And even if she couldn't, does a little nature hurt anyone? No, it does not.
Will I get to the tree when I am able? Yes I will.
Is this worth getting upset about? Nope.
Worth ruining my day? Nope nope.
Worth beating myself up over and tearing myself down about and prolonging the negative energy further with stewing? Nope nope nope.
So instead of reacting with yelling back at her about how rude I thought she was…
..or rushing to fix the situation immediately by dropping everything I was doing to go
do this thing she thought I should do…
...or taking it personally and ruminating about it the whole day….
...I decided to embrace the thought that whatever prompted the rude comment and dramatic gestures had absolutely nothing to do with me OR the tree, which helped me to let that shit go and get on with my day.
It wasn't about the tree; not for her, and not for me.
It is with great ease and clarity I am able to see that now, and the whole process happened relatively quickly.
It wasn't always like that, though. I owe my responsiveness to EMDR therapy which has allowed me to desensitize and reprocess past experiences so that I am less jarred in the moment when something triggering happens in the here and now.
I've learned to respond to triggers with composure and in helpful ways, using mental training and cognitive coping techniques, versus reacting impulsively from a primitive part of my brain.
I didn't get there over night, and I'm still a work in progress. But a more peaceful life is possible when you are able to change the way you think.
EMDR Therapy can help.
Visit me at www.carriemosko.com to learn more about how EMDR therapy can help you in the day to day.
Out.
Comments