In the 1992 movie A Few Good Men, there is a scene in which lawyer Lt. Daniel Kaffee, played by Tom Cruise, questions Lance Cpl. Harold Dawson, played by Wolfgang Bodison, about criminal charges that have been brought against him. In the scene, Dawson explains to Kaffee how his actions were fueled by his code, to which Kaffee responds with confusion, and the following exchange ensues:
Kaffee: “What’s the code?”
Dawson: “Unit, Corps, God, Country.”
Kaffee: “Come again?”
Dawson: “Unit. Corps. God. Country. Sir.”
Kaffee looks around the room in utter disbelief, then says to Dawson in a remarkably calm fashion: “The United States of America wants to charge the two of you with murder, and you want me to go before the judge with ‘Unit, Corps, God, Country’”?
Dawson: "That’s our code, Sir."
Each time I've watched this scene it has prompted me to think about the idea of having a personal code of ethics, and how a standard of behavior one sets for themselves can bring clarity to the many confusing and “grey” situations this life has to offer.
One may not know how to handle every moral dilemma or unique individual set of circumstances in which they find themselves, for example, but they can have a set of principles which anchor and guide them as they navigate the complexities of life.
A person can know, for example, that honesty is something they strive to maintain because of its importance to them. Honesty is one of their values and being honest is part of their code.
Maybe they don’t always know the best path to choose when a relationship conflict arises, as for another example, but they know maintaining respect by paying mind to their choice of words when communicating is one key to preserving the integrity of the relationship.
Respect is another value they hold and being respectful towards others is another part of their code.
And so on, and so forth.
This idea of a personal code really speaks to 1. The importance of knowing your values; and 2. Living in accordance with them.
I’ve observed in myself that much suffering occurs when I am not in alignment with my values, which is to say my behavior is not in sync with my code.
I experience the most turmoil, the most distress, the most sense of dis-ease when I am behaving in ways that are in conflict with how I want to show up in this world .
It doesn't feel good to behave in ways that are not in alignment with the things you believe makes you a good person, and so it follows that if you are behaving in ways that do not feel very good, you will likely not feel very good about yourself.
Do this enough times and you then begin to internalize the things you are doing, and develop a belief around them that says "I am not a very good person." In other words, going against your values and operating in ways that do not align with the core of your being starts to impact your view of yourself.
Low feelings of self-worth develop.
Lower self-esteem.
Negative core beliefs.
You then start acting in ways that are not esteemable because such is the story you believe about who you are as a person.
But esteemable people do esteemable things.
Building up self-esteem is, in part, about learning to act in ways that align with solid values, and behaving according to a code one can feel proud of.
When considering how you feel about your current self, it can be helpful to think of whether you are acting in ways that are in alignment with your values. Here is a simple exercise you can do to help gain clarity around your personal values and hone in on a personal code:
Step 1. Reflect on your values. What is your personal code of ethics? How do you wish to conduct yourself in this world? What are the values that are most important to you? Some values you might list include kindness, justice, honesty, humor, stability, enjoyment, spontaneity, etc. A quick google search of "core values" will bring up a whole host of them to ponder. Figure out which ones are important to you, and which ones are not. Then narrow them down to your top 10, and then your top 5. Figure out your own version of "Unit, Corps, God, Country." What is your code? Keep in mind, there are no right or wrong answers here. There is only reflection on what is important to you.
Step 2. Get honest with yourself on whether or not you are living in alignment with your code. Figure out whether you are behaving in ways that exude your values, whatever they may be, or are your actions in conflict with those things? If you value honesty, for example, reflect on the ways in which you are, or are not, living a truthful life and in accordance with honesty. And, get deep with it. For example, perhaps you are tremendously honest with others, but deny yourself the naked truth of your own feelings, needs, wants, etc. Reflect deeply and consider multiple perspectives.
Step 3. Whatever the outcome of your reflection process, give thought to how you can create a life more in alignment with your values. How can you begin behaving in ways that are more greatly aligned with your code?
This, in part, is how you begin the process of building up your self-esteem, your self-worth, your integrity. When you begin to see yourself acting in ways that are consistent with your values, you begin to trust yourself. In addition, you raise the bar, the standards, for yourself and for your life. You begin to command more from yourself. Each time you rise to the challenge, you prove to yourself you are an esteemable person who does esteemable things. This is one way to begin changing the way you think and feel about yourself. Give it a try if you feel so inclined.
If you'd like to learn more about how I help teens and young women build healthy self-esteem, email me at Carrie@CarrieMosko.com.
Out.
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