Once you reach a level of awareness to where you can fully notice your feelings, thoughts, and body sensations, and do so in a relatively timely manner, the next step is to identify thought errors, which inevitably are what leads to difficult to manage emotions.
Thought errors, or maladaptive thoughts, are thoughts that are either inaccurate or unhelpful.
Inaccurate Thoughts
An inaccurate thought is one you truly believe, but when you actually step back and examine the evidence for or against the thought, it is discovered that the thought is actually untrue, or somehow not based in reality. There is no evidence supporting the accuracy of the thought.
Many of our automatic thoughts, which are the thoughts that occur to us almost reflexively in the course of an experience, are inaccurate. This occurs because most of our automatic thoughts are based on unprocessed or maladaptively processed past experiences that have then gone onto shape our beliefs. Our underlying beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world, then fuse together to formulate what becomes our larger world view (i.e. the lens through which we perceive experiences).
We take our world view with us wherever we go.
If left to its own devices, unchallenged, it will shape our reality, whether it's accurate or not.
The following is a simple way to illustrate how all this pans out in the day to day:
If my whole life I’ve operated under the belief that pink sweaters are bad because when I was a kid someone wearing a pink sweater was exceedingly cruel to me, I am more likely to assign negative meaning to a person wearing a pink sweater than one who is not.
I am also more likely to experience negative feelings or distress if I’m in a store and see a pink sweater on the rack.
If I hear an upsetting story about a person or persons, I am more likely to assume they were wearing a pink sweater than any other type of colored clothing.
If I should happen to have a positive encounter with someone wearing a pink sweater, my brain will assimilate the experience to somehow still support the belief that pink sweaters are bad. My brain might do this any numbers of ways, such as by discounting the positive, for instance, or minimizing. “That was just a fluke” I might say to myself, or, “She was nice but I could tell she was just being fake.”
These are some examples of how our underlying beliefs shape our experience of the world.
Our brains will take whatever we experience in life and it will morph it to fit with our beliefs, no matter how nonsensical the beliefs might be.
And if by chance it fails to do so, cognitive dissonance arises. This is the topic of another blog, so we will move away from it for now.
Inaccurate thoughts are one type of thought error, and unhelpful thoughts are another.
Unhelpful Thoughts
Unhelpful thoughts are just that: thoughts that are unhelpful to think about.
These are thoughts that may actually be accurate in their reflection of reality. They may actually carry some weight and have substance to them, but they are not terribly helpful to focus on or give attention to.
Example:
If I think ice cream is composed of ingredients that are high in fat, raise cholesterol, and could one day contribute to a heart attack, this might be a true thought on paper. It might be true that the fat content in most ice cream is on the higher end, and it might also be true that regular ice cream consumption can raise cholesterol. And it might finally be true that people with higher cholesterol could have a higher risk for heart attack. None of this is terribly helpful to think about, however, if I’m trying to enjoy an ice cream sundae with my kids at a birthday party on a Saturday afternoon. In other words, thinking about the thoughts are unlikely to facilitate feelings of pleasure as I spend time with my family. It's also not going to change any of the aforementioned truths about ice cream.
So in this example, the thoughts, while accurate, are unhelpful to think about in this circumstance.
Inaccurate and unhelpful thoughts. Two main types of thought errors.
As this second part of developing the skill of composure unfolds, it points to having the ability to identify, discern, and label thoughts accordingly as either inaccurate or unhelpful since it is regularly these types of thoughts which lend themselves more readily to emotions that are more difficult to manage.
Once you’ve identified the thoughts you are having, and labeled them as inaccurate or unhelpful if appropriate, the next step is to intentionally reframe them into more accurate and helpful thoughts.
In the case of an inaccurate thought, a reframement might look like this:
“That lady is wearing a pink sweater so she must be a bad person.” (Distorted Thought)
“That lady is wearing a pink sweater. She is also wearing jeans and a cute hat that I actually like. Yes I had one bad experience with a lady wearing a pink sweater but not all pink sweaters, or ladies wearing them, are bad by evidence of the fact that I’ve had other encounters with people wearing pink sweaters who seemed nice. And, I actually like the color pink. Sweaters are cool, too.”
Unhelpful Thought Reframement:
“Ice cream is a fatty substance that is going to raise my cholesterol and lead to a heart attack.” (Unhelpful Thought)
“Ice cream does have a high fat content, and were I to eat this icecream with a high degree of frequency I would be more likely to raise my cholesterol which could, in turn, contribute to a heart attack. But other things contribute to heart attacks. Lots of them. At the moment my cholesterol is fine, and one occasion of ice cream is not going to cause me to have heart problems. I am going to enjoy this Sundae as I spend time with my kids and savor the joy this moment brings.”
Now, not all reframements are this long. It actually helps if they are shorter and to the point. I wanted to flesh it out a bit so it could be clear the shift in thinking that the reframement affords.
A shorter version might be, “My cholesterol is fine. I’m healthy. I’m going to enjoy this moment" or "It's all about moderation. I'm fine. "
People who are able to evidence a great degree of composure in moments of high stress are able to exercise a heightened awareness of their thoughts, and are exquisitely sensitive to how those thoughts influence feelings, which ultimately impacts behavior.
Change your thoughts, and specifically change the inaccurate and/or unhelpful ones that are likely to produce intense, difficult to manage emotion, and you are able to increase your tolerance for the heat of the moment.
Stay tuned for Part 3 where I discuss the next steps to developing the skill of composure.
Out.
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