I was first introduced to the idea of composure as a young athlete.
Back then, composure to me was a characteristic of only the best performers.
The kids who excelled athletically were those who could stay composed under pressure.
While I was aware that such was the case, and I remember hearing the word thrown around from time to time by coaches, parents, and teammates alike, I was never taught how to become more composed, nor was it framed as being something I could learn.
You either had it or you - didn’t.
As I transitioned out of adolescence and into adulthood, parting from teams and the athletic arena, I ceased hearing about this idea of composure. Yet, I think it is an invaluable skill worthy of attention and one that is greatly lacking in our society today.
So, what is it?
At a quick glance composure may seem to be a mere suppression, or perhaps masking, of feelings in a way that promotes self-control and mastery. This idea of suppressing feelings can easily make way for the also quelling of authenticity, or pushing down one’s emotional experience in favor of maintaining order and calm.
Upon further examination, however, composure at its core seems to be less about quelling and more about tolerance, for it does not occur in isolation of feelings, or through the relief of feelings, but in the presence of feelings.
In fact, one might say composure can only exist alongside feeling states, and intense ones at that.
Composure is about tolerating the distress of the moment while holding your feelings, reactions, beliefs, body sensations, right up there where your mind can see them, within view and conscious awareness.
It's the calm that exists in spite of emotional uprising, rather than instead of it.
Right now, picture someone who you've previously judged to be composed.
It could be someone you witnessed professionally or perhaps interpersonally.
Picture them in the moment whereby it became evident they were composing themselves in a way that struck you as impressive.
They are steady, they are calm. They are measured in their statements, and even in their speech. They are intentional in their movements. They are fully present and seemingly taking in the magnitude of the moment in their stillness and discernment.
But they are only able to be assigned this quality of composure if they are doing all those things in the midst of some stressful set of circumstances. You would never judge someone to be showing composure in the middle of a grocery store isle picking out foods, or during some enjoyable life moment.
It is only in those instances where some sort of stress, tension, or challenge exists that composure can be allowed to enter the room.
So, unless the person is some kind of sociopath who is devoid of connection to feeling altogether, which is always possible, the person you are picturing who you judged to be composed was, in fact, experiencing the temperature of the moment, and tolerating its heat in some way.
But how?
Composure is a skill.
It must be learned, practiced, and replicated many times before becoming a state of being that can be intentionally reproduced.
Learning the skill of composure has several moving parts, but the first and, arguably, most important, is awareness.
You have to first be aware of the full range of what you are experiencing in the moment before you can do anything about it.
This means having awareness of what you are thinking, and whether what you are thinking is accurate or helpful.
It means having awareness around what you are feeling; what different feelings are showing up, and what is the range of their intensities?
It also means having awareness around what your body is experiencing physically, sensationally, perceptually, and somatically. Are there areas of tension or tightness or pressure? If so, where is this happening? Is it all over, or isolated to a specific location?
The first step towards gaining composure is to learn how to gain full awareness of thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, as well as do so in a somewhat expedient fashion. You would be less likely to judge someone as being composed if they appeared delayed, stalled, or stuck during the process.
So, timeliness of awareness matters, as well.
Seems simple enough on its face but is actually quite challenging. Awareness requires a type of mental mastery that, in my experience, few possess without training.
What kind of training?
It begins with basic meditation.
Focused breathing, mindfulness meditation as a daily practice.
You can check out my blog on how to meditate here: https://www.warriorgoddessesunite.org/post/can-i-get-a-witness
Therapy also helps.
Getting comfortable with feelings so as to allow yourself to fully experience them is something that for many needs to happen in the safe confines of the therapeutic alliance.
Therapy also helps with becoming familiar with the connection between body and mind; learning how your body manifests various experiences physically, and being present and comfortable inside those bodily sensations.
Finally, therapy helps with learning one's automatic thought patterns and how one's perception is often distorted by the lens through which the world is viewed.
The combination of meditation practice and therapeutic work can help to bring about greater awareness which is the first part of honing this skill of composure.
Stay tuned for Part II where I talk about the next steps.
Out.
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