Pema Chadron once said, “The more we witness our emotional reactions and understand how they work, the easier it is to refrain.”
Mind-blown.
I read that for the first time years ago, and thought to myself, “You mean I don’t have to act on everything I feel?”
And then I thought, “I don’t have to *dooooo* anything with distressful sensations in my body?”
Followed by, “I can just let my feelings beeeee, in and of themselves?”
Yessssssssssssss.
But how does one learn to do that? And why would one want to?
Allow me to unpack this for a moment.
In my work as a therapist over the years, I’ve observed people spending much time, energy, and effort trying to escape, avoid, and/or numb the discomfort of various feeling states.
People participating in toxic relationships that distract from childhood wounds...
People engaging in addictive behaviors that allow for dissociation...
People using compulsive work ethics as a disguise for avoidance...
All these things, while preventing the distress that fully experiencing unpleasant feelings can cause, lead to a host of other problems in people’s lives, for which they then come see me.
It usually never occurs to people to learn how to tolerate their feelings, instead.
Learning how to meet my feelings head on by sitting with them, experiencing them fully, tolerating them when it is distressful or unpleasant to do so, is a skill I had to learn and it is one I still practice regularly as part of my recovery process.
I say “practice” because the truth is it’s HARD to do it and the tendency towards escapism, distraction, numbing, is strong in this one. It needs an immense amount of reinforcement to hold its spot as a tool in my toolbox of coping skills.
So yes, getting comfortable with your feelings is not easy.
The thing about feelings, though, is they inevitably pass. Through much trial and error, I’ve learned feelings pass more quickly, and with greater ease, if you accept and embrace them, allowing them space to come and go like clouds in the sky on a sunny day.
Therein lies the benefit of allowing your feelings to just BE through acceptance and tolerance.
It’s the difference between years of underlying anger fueling your interactions, and the momentary distress felt when allowing anger to engulf the sky before ultimately passing.
So there is the “why”…
Now, for the “how”…
Enter -->Meditation.
Research tells us meditation has a whole host of benefits ranging from better frustration tolerance to improved cancer treatment outcomes. I want to zero in on just one of the benefits, however, and that is the way meditative practices strengthen one’s ability to witness, observe, and be present with feelings, in and of themselves.
Essentially, meditation teaches you to get still and become aware of all you experience when you are in the midst of a feeling. In doing so, you achieve greater connection with your feeling states, which in turn helps you to realize you are actually separate from them completely.
I’ll repeat that.
Meditation helps you achieve greater connection with your feeling states, which in turn helps you to realize you are actually separate from them completely.
It's true. Among many other outcomes, meditation helps you realize you are not your feelings, just like you are not your thoughts, nor your beliefs, nor your opinions, nor your aches and pains, nor the cupcake you just ate or that FB post you just made prior to reading this awesome blog entry.
When you get still, you realize you are the stillness itself, the vessel through which all those other "things" occur.
Feelings don't seem quite so powerful, overwhelming, or scary when you realize how transient they actually are.
Now before you say to yourself, “Ok Carrie, this is getting a little too hokey for me,” hear me out.
Meditation can be a spiritual endeavor, but it doesn’t have to be. I think of meditation as a form of mental training technique that allows me to strengthen my ability to have greater mastery over thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
I liken them to push ups for your brain. Each time I engage in the process of meditation, I am strengthening the parts of my mind that help me focus, regulate, and separate the self from all the noise and bullshit.
Not convinced this is useful?
Ask yourself....What would your life be like if you didn’t feel the need to react immediately out of impulse when someone says something insensitive or provacative?
How would it be to go through your day simply noticing when you felt frustrated, or disappointed, or anxious, instead of feeling like you had to immediately do something about it (like right now)?
What would it be like to not feel pressured to have a response to everything you experience, but to just be a witness to it, instead?
I can only speak for myself, and what happened for me is I became more measured, discerning, responsive and peaceful.
But you can decide for yourself. Think you might want to give meditation a try? Stay tuned for my next blog where I teach you how.
Okay then.
Out.
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